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No altar here, no flame, only a black mirror and I let down my hair (Rapunzel, Rapunzel, but don't rescue me, I don't want to be saved). I call Her in silence, I call into the dark. The cold creeps in and chills me white, hands moving like birds to shape a language not spoken.

I call Her in, I open myself, I ask to be invaded ... but I cannot meet Her eyes, I dare not look, for in that moment when our gazes meet I am pierced (transverberation of my heart), turned inside out, no secrets anymore, no comfortable justifications and rationalisations. Not a butterfly pinned, a frog dissected, all my organs carefully lifted out and placed around my body in a blood circle, wracked by pain (and there must be pain), dismembered. Never this exposed, only for Her, only for Her.

Oh, and She looks at me, She looks at me, She knows what I'm thinking and how I doubt. She has no pity, She accepts no excuses but there is a dreadful understanding in Her.

And there are tears falling, always, because to be in Her presence, to be in Her, in me, is terrible and wonderful. She takes me like a lover.

And the ecstasy is cold.

(And as I sit here typing and reading ... the knock at my door of two sweet old ladies, bringing "God" to the heathen. I smile, and listen, nod my agreement that the world needs a little more tolerance. And then - irony (it's good for your blood, dear) - one hands me the cheap pamphlet and tells me to rejoice, for my suffering is soon to end.

I thank them sincerely, and feel myself grow tall, grow still and cold and She looks out from behind my eyes.

And I do not tell them that their paradise is my curse. I do not tell them how I dance past the point of exhaustion, screaming and wailing until my throat breaks. I do not tell them about the long processional, chanting under my breath with every step of grinding bone and white knuckle. I do not show them the scars under my sleeves, I do not bring them inside and show them my blood, crystallised to burn as incense. I stand in my bland hallway, the cat at my feet, sun half-blinding me and darkness in my heart, and I wish them well.

And I close the door and sink again into silence.)

Long is the way, and hard, that leads down into the dark.

Lest We Forget

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

Rain magick

It started raining about half an hour ago.

Carpe diem ... or aquam, in this case. I ran outside, stood in pentagram position, cupped my hands and turned them up to catch the water, chanting over and over, "Bring it down, bring it in, bring it through, more rain, more rain, more rain". As my hands filled I poured out the water on the earth, visualising myself as a conduit between the sky and the ground. I did this for about half an hour, and I'm now thoroughly soaked. What an incredible feeling - and to think I'd almost forgotten how good it felt to be out in the rain.

How much effect it will have on this crushing drought remains to be seen. It's still raining lightly now, and I don't know how much longer it will last. But the important thing is, it's raining. And while I stood there, I imagined hundreds of us, all standing out under the night sky on the cracked, hard ground, all pulling down the rain with our will.

In a few days time we start even tighter water restrictions. Here's hoping.

Friends only

This journal will now be completely friends-locked, except for the occasional announcement.

I hate to have to do this, but I'm really in a position where I have no choice. I'm tired of seeing my private shit posted publicly, and my words taken out of context and twisted.

So please, comment to this post to be added. That is, if you're not friended already.

Those who are currently friended are still friended. :-)

a little knowledge ...

It seems that the moderator of darkpaganism didn't like my post from yesterday. I had intended to ask people there about which particular 'dark' deities they worked with by preference ... I've placed a comment in her latest post to ask why that query was rejected.

Things there are going to crawl for a while with everyone under moderation and each post being deliberated over before approval or rejection.

In the meantime, I ran across a post from 'Sally' asking for advice about performing an exorcism for a client. (For anyone who's joined the flist since Samain/Beltaine, check the link here : http://moondark-lady.livejournal.com/18180.html) Given the history I have with this person, I was really alarmed. She has no experience whatsoever with dealing with this sort of thing - and her post shows that the initial exorcism she tried was bungled, and the entity has resurfaced (if it was ever gone) and is making even more trouble.

Yes, she was there when I performed an exorcism for a mutual friend (the one I'm writing up in the 'Azazel and Lilith' entries - and I'll finish them very soon, honest!). But she did none of it - her work consisted of helping to stabilise our friend's aura while I actually exorcised the fucker, and then she did some extensive healing work. I'll say this for her - she is a good healer, she has the experience and the talent.

But exorcism's a different kettle of fish altogether. It's dangerous and complex. You don't just barrel in there with bell, book and candle and scream "Out, demon, out!" And you don't go confronting an unknown entity with next to no knowledge or experience. Even if it's an exorcism-of-place (as opposed to a simple house-clearing/blessing), there are a lot of things you need to consider. For whatever reason, I have been able to develop an ability to discern and deal with these entities - be they unwittingly created thoughtforms, barely-aware bundles of energy or actual beings. When I started doing it - out of necessity rather than any attempt to seek it out - I was useless. It took a lot of help from a CM friend to help me see my way clear. It's taken 16 years to get to the point where I felt able to help my friend, and that wasn't done without a lot of preparation and research - and a lot of help from the Gods.

The thought that 'Sally' is doing this now is extremely unsettling. I'm concerned for the client - not just because she is posting details about this working on the internet (which is consistent with her inability to Keep Silent), but because she doesn't know what she's doing. And stupidly, I'm concerned for her, too - in spite of everything, the betrayals, the lies, the continual snide crap about me that crosses my path far more often than I need to ever know about, in spite of all that.

Not that she'd even begin to listen to me if I tried to tell her. I've replied to someone else's comment in the thread, and all I can do is hope she won't simply scroll past it the moment she sees my name. (Yes, I feel partly responsible. When we helped our friend, it was the first taste she'd ever had of exorcism workings, and she was incredibly enthusiastic afterwards - to the point where she suggested we work together to do this for others. I turned the idea down immediately - I have enough crap in my life without looking for any more - but I can't help thinking she decided to go ahead anyway.)

Good things to those who wait

I was all armoured up and ready to hit the PgDn key when I saw the first post in the darkpaganism community this morning.

But lo! there are, indeed, Gods of LJ who listen to prayers (or at least complaints).

The Troll, his sockpuppets and the odd sycophant have been banned from the community. Several accounts have also been suspended - thankfully, none of those who were defending themselves from the Troll's vitriol.

Life suddenly got a lot shinier.

(Of course, I doubt it will take long for him to pop up with another account - or that LJ have missed one of his sockpuppets - but we'll deal with that if it happens.)


Some musings ...

Distinctions of light and dark are artificial constructs. We import them from dualistic religions like Christianity, for whom questions of absolute "morality" are central.

Is nature moral? Is nature concerned with doing the "right" thing? Or is nature concerned with doing what is necessary - what ensures survival. We don't ascribe moral choices to the predator who brings down a young animal to feed itself, or its own offspring.

There is a school of thought that says humans, because they are blessed/cursed with intellect and self-awareness, must be "more moral" than animals. Translated, this means that humans must set themselves outside of the dynamic balances of the universe, and appoint themselves arbiters of right and wrong. So we start by instituting laws to regulate behaviour according to various "moral" stances, and we end by punishing all those who step outside these regulations. Thus we find ourselves in a wholly artificial set of inconsistent life-instructions.

We applaud a woman who killed a man trying to rape her - yet we would jail that same woman if she deliberately murdered her abusive spouse while he slept.

We jail the man who steals to support his family - yet we admire the man whose theft occurs within the bounds of a business transaction.

We teach a child to fight "to defend himmself" against bullying - yet we punish that child if, in the course of events, he decides to pre-emptively strike against the same bully.

We expel a student for cheating on an exam, but not for making another student's life a misery.

We bombard a civilian population with missiles and mortars, killing thousands in the name of an abstract principle of "freedom" that really means, "what we think is the way you should live".

We shake our heads and tut-tut over the "oppression" of a woman wearing a hijab, yet in the most "liberated" countries in the world we perpetuate all manner of invisible barriers to women with bare heads.

We condemn one religion for its exaltation of martyrs from the pulpits of another religion founded on the willingness of its adherents to die for their faith.

We enshrine ideas of "truth" and "justice", while building ever-stronger edifices of lies.

And this we call "law" ... "morality" ... "right" and "wrong". We congratulate ourselves that we have risen above the jungle, embraced a superior state of existence. We study the universe with "scientific curiosity", safe in our knowledge that we are better.

And around us a volcano erupts, killing millions of animals and insects. A star explodes into a supernova, ripping apart the fabrice of space-time and causing destruction on a scale we can only imagine. A lion takes over a pride and kills all the cubs in order to make the lionesses ovulate again, thus perpetuating its own gene-line.

Where is the morality? Where is right and wrong? When abstracts are gone, what is left?

Do I mean that the end justifies the means? Partly. Does a lion stop to think about the morality of killing other cubs? No - he acts in a manner to ensure his own line's survival.

But there is a limit. Not something imposed by us in the name of morality, but simple survival. If the lion slaughters the lionesses, its line dies. If the locusts eat their entire food supply, they die. There is a balance at work - not a static, imposed balance, but a constantly-shifting, compensating adjustment.

This is the work of Temperance.

And our intellect, our self-awareness, is wasted on constructing artificial notions of right and wrong. Like it or not, we will be balanced.

So what is the work of the magickian, the witch, then? To study the balance ... to become attuned to imbalances within the self ... to see the illusions of morality for what they are ... and to learn to do what is necessary.

Necessary not only for the self, but for everything and everyone around us. This has nothing to do with white-light ideas of "walking lightly on the earth", or Satanic ideas of "take whatever you want and predate upon the world" - these, too, are constructs of morality.

Know that what we do has consequences. When we set ourselves above the balance, or imagine that we can stay on one side of the scale, we become helpless. We are at the mercy of forces we refuse to acknowledge, or believe we can thwart.

The darkness within us needs to be accepted ... and so does the light. This is the true meaning of shadow ... without both darkness and light, creation and destruction, we cannot exist.

We are the shadow ... we are what is created when darkness and light come together.



Let there be no more music,
No sweet sounds to pierce my soul's mask.
Let me rule this world of silence,
That I may not hear your voice,
And your songs be held apart.

Leave me to spin here in this sea,
Between the love and the loss -
For my heart is fragile, and your eyes
convey the means of my destruction.

I see the hands, the body,
The carefully controlled machine,
And I fear you even as my soul
would make its way across.

Dark waters drown my eyes in prophecy,
A shapeless yearning below sound, beyond sight;
I toss on waves of terror and desire
and you, safe held at anchor,
Still catch me in your nets.

Poison, your kiss.
Sharpest pain, your touch.
Your arms a prison -
And I struggle -

Night's ocean reflected in your eyes,
Your songs around my heart -
And I walk upon knives to lie with you
under the landward stars.

anonymous comments and cowards

There are few things I despise more than cowards.

Just recently, I and some friends of this livejournal were subjected to a sustained nuisance by an anonymous poster, who apparently thought that inane comments punctuated by line after line of "hahahaha" constituted reasonable comment - or perhaps they were just shit-stirring, at least in the beginning.

After this had gone on for far too long, a single comment resulted in one friend becoming extremely agitated. She and another began an investigation, and discovered the identity of the anonymous poster. It was someone known to me, so it fell to me to discover the truth. The idiot then rang the person helping and intimated he was "working" for some unnamed person or persons to get my friend "released" from her current magickal path - as if he had any control whatsoever.

I discovered that the idiot was working for no one but himself, and had taken it upon himself to get involved in what he thought was a cult situation.

The fallout from this was that one friend (who has been through so much recently) became frightened and depressed, another became angry and overreacted completely, and still another was given her walking papers - despite doing nothing to deserve it.

Despite this, I still thought something could be resurrected of the group we had been. I went away for the weekend trusting in this.

What a fucking fool I have been.

On my return, I find that - although I went through so much shit trying to solve this problem and help my friends - I am still distrusted, still considered a possible suspect as one of the mythical "employers" of the idiot. Worse, bonvivanta has been subjected to a whole new barrage of anonymous comments on her livejournal - this time from someone with a considerably better grasp of grammar, vocabulary and imagery. It's not just shit-stirring and baiting this time - it's outright threats. And it cannot have been the idiot - he was in the same location as me (a long way from home) all weekend.

I have some idea who may be behind these, and I will find out who is doing it. Whoever they are, they have made a crucial misstep. The idiot made vague comments - these are specific threats. Eilish does not deserve any of the crap that has been levelled at her lately, and I will be the first person calling those responsible to account. What is necessary will be done.

You are beneath my contempt.


Go into your livejournal archive

2. Find your 23rd post. (or for new lj'ers make it ur 5th post - this shall be the new law and all shall obey it.)
3. Find your 5th sentence (or closest to it.)
4. Post the text of your sentence in this post along with these instructions.
5. Tag 5 people on your friend's list.

Here's mine :

"It is a fact that the Temple of Set grew out of Anton La Vey’s Church of Satan and this association alone is sufficient in the eyes of many Pagans to keep a wide distance between Setians and Pagans.” (Lynne Hume, Witchcraft and Paganism in Australia, p.63)

Hmm ... I tag darkmagyck and indigo1. I haven't got any other friends who haven't already been tagged.